I have this trick called compensation. I've been employing it for a long time. I guess it works well enough since I've almost made it to 22 years. Since I was 13, my priority has been music. Sure, there have been occasional short lapses when I was concerned about art or a particular person or friendship, but when you look at the percentages...at my "time spent on what" pie chart...you'll find that playing or listening to or talking about music is the biggest yummiest piece. You put all your energy into something, and nothing else matters. You fall in love and it doesn't matter if you drop out of school any more. You play music constantly and it doesn't matter if your other relationships suffer or you fail to develop certain helpful social skills.

When I was 15 a guy asked me on a date, and the members of my band said "uh....I don't know about that guy." and laughed at the dating situation, so I didn't go. Over the last 7 years I've been immersing myself in a culture that makes it harder and harder for me to communicate with people outside of that culture. In art school, people who try to develop friendships with me must find it hard because while I'll always smile and respond I can't carry a conversation with you if it's not about music. Sure I can talk to friends (in the scene) about any range of topics you could think of, but music is my universal opener.

So maybe that's why, 7 years later, I've failed to have any real serious long term relationships, but have been in 15 bands and played hundreds of shows. compensation. So which came first? the music or the misery? Did I fail to develop relationships because I invested energy in music, or did I invest so much energy in music because I'm a failure at developing relationships?

Well, either way, It's a formula that vaguely works for me. It gets me by. "You don't care for me like I care for you....but what's it matter, our record is coming out and we're going on tour for 3 months!" Ahhh, but it does matter, and I know it. The release of rocking out incredibly hard is not the same as the release of having sex. The comfort of dancing with and being surrounded by people who do care for you in some way is not the same as the comfort of a deep relationship with one person who understands you.

So, I've started to feel that lack there. Or, to be honest, I've felt it for a long time but the music eats away at it quite a bit. The louder my voice gets, the more I forget.