The number one thing that I like about myself is that I'm not delusional. My "views of grandeur" don't exist, I sold them to some idealistic kids a long time ago. To list a few of the bubbles that I have had the nerve to pre-emptively pop myself:

1. Music. I think I'm a mediocre musician. My main skill is that I can inflict a lot of nasty emotions on a song that weren't originally there. People can see this happening, and their sticking around is akin to saying "Hey, look at that crazy person!". I hate writing lyrics. I mean I absolutely despise it, which is ironic considering how much I like to spout off at the mouth. Due to my hate of lyrical writing, I think most of the things I write are forced as hell.

So why do I make music if I only believe I'm mediocre at it? The only reason to do it (or anything) is for the interactions with other people. If you say "Here's me -upset, tired, probably bleeding" it's hard not to get some kind of reaction/connection. What am I talking about? I don't know. I'm mediocre at it and I keep doing it because I don't know what else I would do if I didn't.

2. Writing. Occasionaly I will write something vaguely interesting. I can write some pretty biting, ironic "Don't you just hate American culture" pieces. I can write papers for school classes well because I know what people want to hear. But in general, I'm overly wordy and not very moving.

3. Schooling. I'm great at suceeding in school type settings, and there is one reason for this. I can regurgitate information that people have already told me in the form that they want to hear it. All most professors want is to think that you are a little ameteur version of them. I'll let them think that, and they'll give me an A, and it won't mean a thing.

4. Relationships. My dream guy don't exist. and that's ok.

5. Friendships. I have this really bad habit of talking about people I'm friends with behind their backs. The only thing that makes me different from everyone else in the world in that respect is that I admit it. It also doesn't mean that I don't love and respect this person. Most people love and respect their mothers but still talk major shit about them to anyone who will listen (even if it costs 150 dollars an hour). Inherent in all this is the expectation I have that all my friends are talking about me when I'm not around as well. This does not bother me. If someone has that major of a problem with me, they will talk to me about it. But before then I don't need to know.

I also consider the high caliber of people that have been in my life to be the number one reason I'm not completely fucking insane.

6. Self-Image. I'm fairly overweight. Actually, in friendly company I will refer to myself as fat. Not in the "oh my god, do I look fat??" way, much more in a "I've been this way for a long time, I accept it and I don't hate myself for it." way. I've become so comfortable with it that it's the band joke. We're all overweight and get tired when thrashing around the stage. Generally Ronny will have to get on the mic and apologize for the fact that we have to rest for a second between our songs because we are "fat and tired". It's a gimic. Laugh with us AND at us, crowd.

But then, no matter how many times you and your friends say "Fuck body stereotypes" it's still there. It's still harder to meet people, no matter how progressive everyone's ideas in the punk scene are supposed to be. It's really very laughable that everyone walks around pretending to free themselves of society's norms, but still following them deep inside. I don't blame people. People will be attracted naturually to certain body types, just stop lying about it to make yourselves feel better! sheesh.

As for me, it doesn't matter that much because I'm actually honestly attracted to fat guys.

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I'm not self-loathsome at all. I like myself. I like my life. I'm pretty much at peace with my faults. Listing a few of them like this doesn't bother me. That's the one thing I guess I've got right.

One self-depriciating sense of humor ----------- check.